• p.n.c

to the boy i loved before

Updated: Jan 18

“Time flies when you’re having fun.”

I found myself saying those words to my ex boyfriend as we sat in his car and talked about how it’s been five years since we dated (ten since we met.) The truth is time is a liar. Five years ago I was convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my days with the love of my life. I would draw in journals both of our names with hearts or my first name, his last. I would lay next to him and stare into his eyes and vision our whole lives together. The name of our future children, living in our small apartment somewhere in the city. I dreamt about what we would do with the rest of our lives. Walking down and meeting him at the end of the aisle, promising to love him, my best friend, forever. Every bone in my body yearned to be with him, grow old with him. He could destroy a whole world with his bare hands and I— I would stare in awe. I loved him more than I could ever love myself. This was what love was to me. Intoxicating, mesmerizing, undomesticated, troubling, beautiful, love. He was a part of me. He was the best and the worst parts of me. When I was around him my laugh was different. I remember laughing till tears streamed down my cheeks and holding my sides. I couldn’t laugh with anyone else like that. I was better because of him, and every time he walked out I was broken beyond repair. I’d break a little more with each argument, fight. Until we stared at one another with nothing. No fight left. Irrevocably damaged.

The truth is time isn’t on our side my dear. Time has filled the gap between you and I. It’s also allowed me to heal. I’m whole again and I thank time for that. But it has also turned us into strangers. We were once dancing on the moon together, indestructible. And now, we are in different worlds.

Time has taken you away from me and has given you to someone else. It gave you away and left me unavoidably alone.

It’s also curated every crack, and filled every space I drew between myself and me. It’s gently nudged me into the person I’ve always wanted to be. She’s incredibly intelligent, beautiful, empathetic, curious, adventurer, kind. She’s still figuring herself out, and thanks to time she’s got a lot of it to do so. There’s still roads to cross, and escapades to be had.

However tonight as you hold each other one last time she is both upset and accepting of time. Because it’s allowed her to see you, and to see herself, for the first time.

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