this one's for you
So it’s been a while since my last post and for that, I apologize. If I’m being honest there’s much pressure for my writing to be pleasing to you. The truth of the matter is, before I write anything now, I triple-check it a couple of times because well, I want you to be taken into the depths of memories and metaphors. I almost want to kick myself, for turning into one of those people. Like everyone’s opinions of me have ever mattered, hah. Well, here we are. Do you know that it’s nearly impossible to please people? We all live with this unrealistic high expectation of accommodating our views, opinions, and thoughts to what others would want us to say. And in the process, we lose a little part of ourselves by compromising, each time. The worst thing in this life that you can possibly do is lose yourself. I made a vow to myself and Heavenly Father that I would never let that happen again. My identity was not “victim” or “daddy-issues” or “depression,” “heartbreak.” The world wanted me to think that I was all of these things. I lost myself in self-medicating, and in whom the enemy whispered I was. Giving 120% of me to a person who would leave in the morning, “I give so much and receive nothing.” I thought with tears streaming down my face countless times. Many nights of wondering why my daddy left, and what I had done to make him want to leave. I asked myself what I could have done differently to get him to like me at twelve years of age. See, I carried around this absence of acceptance that I so desperately needed. I remember sitting by the phone in my nicest clothes every birthday, every Christmas, thinking—no hoping, that Papi was going to call. Yes, I became a sad teenage cliche that would search for love in all the wrong places. Yet tonight, I’m simply writing to you, yes you. To inform you that being a people pleaser will simply leave you empty and dry. Yvonne Pierre, a novelist, puts it this way: “The increased desire to please God and seek HIS approval will decrease the desire to seek approval from man.” As I walk through this journey with my Creator, the desire to please others vanishes. My life is not my own! For that reason, I won’t seek to please you. Some days I’ll have a lot to say, other’s not so much. However, I will keep writing to you, in hopes that you continue to read and feel God’s love through my story.
All my love,