• p.n.c

streams in the wasteland

There's an old saying, love what you do, and do what you love. And so, I vowed to myself that I would write as often as I could. I received my first diary in the second grade by my best friend at the time, Emely. That year for Valentine’s Day, she presented me with my first ever, one of a kind, ‘Hello Kitty’ diary with a lock on it. I was ecstatic! I wrote madly about my Second grade crush Mikey, who pretty much made fun of me all the time. I wrote about how dreamy his smile was with his perfect dimples. I wrote about hosting the Spring Play, and wishing Mikey was my dance partner. Turned out, the girl that was the lead in the play was out sick one day, and I was chosen as her understudy and had to dance to The Contours ‘Do You Love Me’ with my long flowery dress. I was having the time of my life doing “the twist’ with Mikey. Right until our play director Ms. Barnes yelled “POLA! Come here please, your mom is here to pick you up.” Everyone started laughing, and Mikey continued yelling “POLA! POLA! POLA!!!” While laughing, until I rushed off the stage and ran to the Principal’s office to meet my mom. Completely mortified, I wrote every single detail of that day in my diary. Aside from Mr. Teddy, that diary was my best friend. It held my deepest darkest secrets, my hopes, dreams, and a glimpse of my wild imagination. There were many moments in my life where, If I'm honest, I lost sight of who I was. October 23rd, 2016. A day that marked my life forever. Some friends and I were on 'Alligator Alley' on the expressway home when we collided full speed into a company truck, while driving under the influence. I don't remember much. Just bits and pieces, glimps and short moments. I opened my eyes and felt the vehicle rolling over again, again, and again, then blacked out. Approximately 9:30pm that night I felt something wake me. I was hanging upside down from my seatbelt, my girl friend who was riding in the back crashed her head into the windshield, there was an enormous open wound on her leg, she was completely unconscious. I turned my head slowly to my left, scared, not knowing what to expect. My guy friend's head was bashed into the ceiling. There was blood running down his face, he was also unconscious, no pulse. Blood and glass everywhere. I couldn't breathe. My legs weren't moving, and at that point I panicked and unbuckled my seat belt. I went flying head first into the windshield. There were blue, red lights. People screaming, gathering around the vehicle. Firefighters running, and everything went dark again. Four panick attacks and a tranquilizer later, we were all transferred to the trauma emergency at Broward General Hospital. The doctors called it a miracle, that we were all breathing. The recovery process was the hardest part. The emotional, and physical toll that it took on me was difficult to endure, and for my family to watch. I was sleeping possibly an hour at night. Every time I closed my eyes I was reliving those horrid course of events over, and over again. I couldn't walk for weeks. I had my wheelchair, crutches, and walker all stashed in the corner of my room. Before the accident I was depressed, however after, I was hopeless. One night I got up to use the restroom, my walker was too far away and I fell infront of my bed. I cried and yelled out "WHY?? WHY DID YOU SPARE ME, I JUST DON'T GET IT!" I was so angry, and sad that I was trying to find someone to blame. I focused my energy on God. After everything I had been through, after suffering with depression and suicidal tendencies for years, I just could not believe that he chose to save me. Again. The future was foggy, far away, and unexistent. You see friend, when our living God has a purpose and a plan for your life, there is no devil in hell who can snatch you away from his divine purpose. I ran so far, I hid from him. When I couldn't find one reason to live, he gave me strength and endurance to finish the race. When I had no idea who I was, It had been a whole year since I picked up a pen and paper, I thought I didn't have it in me to continue to write, but he breathed in me a new song. He reminded me that I'm a writer, a poet, a worshipper. He made me new.  Don't loose yourself in this momentary pain, there's a light even if you don't see it, I promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel begging, for the heels of your feet to walk across it. I had a moment earlier where I was in my bedroom, in a big t-shirt and fuzzy socks, and I was dancing to The Countours 'Do You Love Me.' I layed down on my rug and bursted out laughing. The Mikey's of the world have taught me that it's okay to laugh at yourself often. And so friend, I'm writing you to tell you to keep holding on. Speaking from an experienced simpleton, if you feel like you've lost that passion that once ignited your soul, if you simply don't know who you are, I know someone who wants to return your lost identity. Your past mistakes are thrown into the depths of the sea, will you choose to let him in? "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19//


#mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #creativewriting #journal #livepoetry #city #poetry #blogger #mentalhealthawareness #beauty #motivation #faith #christian #comingofage #journaling #Jesus



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